Fear and All It's Beauty
by LostInDisney
Summary: 'She loved him. Why had it taken so long for her to admit that to herself? Because admitting that meant that what they had was real and in real life people get hurt.' Stuck in a vicous cycle of love and war. What does it take for Emily to admit the truth.


Fear and All Its Beauty

**HI, this is a one shot that has been flying around in my head for a while now. To the point I couldn't write my other story, which I'm expecting to start publishing some time next month. So I hope you like this one as always I don't own Criminal Minds. But I do like to borrow the characters now and again :). **

When people get scared its common knowledge that their flight or fight instincts kick in. For Emily both of those instincts kicked in at the exact same time. She had the ability to fight people and run away. Over the years she had dealt with it in some scenarios so that it was no longer that much of a problem, but then sometimes she had no control over it, her fight or flight would kick in with full force. The one common scenario where she had absolutely no control would be love.

This time was just one example of many. It was just one more person she could add to her so called love life. At first it was something casual, but then came the butterflies in her stomach, the warm fuzzy feeling that sped around her body whenever he was in close proximity to her. This triggered her fight or flight, what had started as something that was fun and exciting quickly became a long running battle between the two; neither one willing to admit defeat.

While Emily fought with him and tried to push him away, Spencer tried to make peace; trying to keep her close to him. After all he'd never been in love before.

Sometimes Emily would succeed, she would niggle away at small things until he would walk away saying he was done, he couldn't take anymore. She would feel somewhat contented with herself, she'd proved her own point; she was horrible to be in a relationship with. Then after that wore off she'd feel awful, he didn't deserve the way she treated him, a visit to his apartment to tell him how sorry she was would quickly transform into a night spent having passionate make up sex. A vicious cycle they found themselves in.

It was at a restaurant; on a meal for Morgan's birthday, where Emily was left pondering her situation with Spencer. None of the fights she had with him had seemed as final as that one did. He'd said she'd finally pushed him away and he hoped she was happy with herself. If she was being honest with herself; she wasn't. The expected feeling of contentment never arrived. She was only left with a feeling of pity and sorrow. She really had pushed him away, the fact that he refused to look at her only made her more sure about it.

She wasn't in the mood for celebrating tonight. All she wanted to do was drown her sorrows in several bottles of wine to make this feeling of guilt stop gnawing at her stomach. She was about to excuse herself when Garcia pointed out that Spencer was talking to a brunette at a bar. She looked over seeing this girl to close to Spencer and laughing to hardly at his jokes. Emily's trail of thought quickly came to a complete halt. Was she jealous? Emily bit down on her lip. She was never a jealous person. But was the extreme hatred at the brunette jealousy or the drink talking? Speaking of drink Emily decided she needed a new drink. She got up from the table making her way to the bar.

"Hey Spence, you okay?" Emily asked tapping him on the arm, leaving her hand there a few extra moments.

"Umm yeah," He looked away from Emily and at the other brunette. Emily followed his line of sight. She eyed the brunette; she had long wavy hair with subtle blonde low-lights. She had muddy eyes. She was wearing a low cut black dress that was practically a second skin; the bottom of the skirt barely covered her ass. Emily didn't know why but she wanted to smack the girl silly. "Emily, this is Jasmine." He said, his hand gesturing to the girl. Jasmine waved slightly at Emily. "We met a few years ago on a lecture about factors that contribute to the making of a psychopath." Spencer finished smiling at Jasmine. Now Emily really wanted to knock the smug smile off of her face.

"Wow, what a small world." Emily exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know its crazy isn't it, I mean the lecture was in Boston. I had no idea that Spencer lived here in D.C." Jasmine smiled.

'Spence is it?' Emily thought to herself. "So you just met in the lecture?" Emily asked feigning an interest.

"No, we went to diner after bet..." Spencer replied.

"I could tell he had the hots for someone else." Jasmine giggled. Emily could remember Spencer going to the lecture, they'd just had they're first fight. He'd left furious at her. Emily was shocked that he went out on a date with someone he had just met; after having a fight with her. All types of questions were circling her mind.

"Yeah but it wasn't like I thought it would be like." Spencer admitted giving Emily a subtle glare. 'Ouch!' Emily thought.

"Yeah, well her loss could be my gain." Jasmine flirted. Emily felt her tolerance snap the minute Jasmine gave Spencer that not so subtle wink.

"Please, I wouldn't give you both two weeks together." Emily scoffed.

"Excuse me?" Jasmine said angrily.  
>"You heard me. You wouldn't last two weeks with him" Emily sneered.<p>

"Emily, you're drunk." Spencer said trying to silence Emily.

"And just who are you the jealous ex?" Jasmine asked in a bitter tone.

"Ha! Jealous of you? Please not a lot of competition, you're just a rebound." Emily laughed.

"Likewise" Jasmine replied.

"Have you not seen yourself? Brunette, brown eyes?" Emily commented.

"Half your age." Jasmine suggested.  
>Spencer took this as the best time to interject. "Emily, can I speak to you in private please?" Spencer rhetorically asked. Grabbing Emily's wrist and dragging her outside.<p>

He stopped when they were in the dimly lit alley behind the restaurant. Emily could see the anger in his eyes and physicality. She wandered whether this would be one of the extremely rare occasions where she'd hear him yell. He glared at her for a few minutes. Emily wandered whether she should say something to him. She was about to open her mouth to say something when he interrupted her.

"What was that about?" He asked, there it was that angered but calm voice he used, which strangely made her wish he was shouting in her face.

"She started it." Emily muttered. 'Oh, how very mature Emily. How old are you again?' she chided herself.

Spencer rolled his eyes. "She was being friendly, and then you turn into a jealous ex." Spencer replied.

"Friendly! She was dangling it in my face that you and her slept together." Emily argued.

"Why would you think that? I met her when I was with you. I'm not a cheater Emily." Spencer exclaimed visibly hurt by Emily's accusation.

"I think she made her intentions fairly clear." Emily mumbled.

"That's between me and her." Spencer looked Emily up and down before returning his gaze back to Emily's eyes. "Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?" Emily asked, knowing full well what he meant.

"You know what I mean."

Emily sighed. "She's no where near good enough for you…"

"And you know that from the five minutes you spoke to… no insulted her?" Spencer argued.

"I just don't want to see you getting hurt."

"Wow, coming from you."

"… Spencer I do care about you."

"Yeah well… I told you I'm done." Spencer replied defiantly.

Emily seemed to recoil into herself. "I'm sorry, for everything tonight." Emily apologised.

Spencer took a moment before her replied. "Me too." He walked forward and pulled Emily into a hug. Emily closed her eyes at the feel of his arms wrapped around her waist. She rested her head on his lean chest. Inhaling his musky scent that reminded her of the smell of an old bookstore she loved to visit when she was living in Italy. They didn't realise that they were being watched and how long they had been hugging until a shaky voice interrupted them.

"Spencer?"

Emily and Spencer both jumped apart as if they had been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"Um…" Spencer cleared his throat. "I was just about to come back in."

Jasmine glanced at Emily then back at Spencer. "I was about to file a missing persons report." She giggled one of those high pitched giggles girls did when they were trying to appear ditzy.

However, the humour appeared lost on Spencer which made Emily chuckle. Spencer turned to look at Emily. "Are you going to be okay?"

Emily nodded. "I think I'm just going to go home."

"I'll see you Monday."

Emily smiled and gave Spencer a small wave before walking past Jasmine and back into the restaurant.

Spencer watched her as she left; appreciating the gentle sway of her hips as she walked away.

"Spencer?" Jasmine repeated. Spencer looked at her. She was pretty he supposed. But she wasn't Emily not by a long shot. Emily was not just pretty she was enchanting.

"Yeah" he replied.

"Are you coming back inside?" She asked pointing to the restaurant.

"Umm. No I'm gonna go back home." He answered.

"Oh, well I guess I'll see you around then." She said hopefully.

"Maybe." Spencer shrugged.

Jasmine sighed. When she first met Spencer he had seemed distracted by something. Despite that she still flirted with him, hoping to take his mind off whatever was bothering him. Eventually he told her that he was in love with someone else and he had just had a bad fight with her, but wasn't looking for anyone while he was away. Jasmine had been touched by that and backed off. When she saw him again he had seemed interested in her, then Emily turned up and now he was back to the distracted state he was in when they first me.

"She was the girl in Boston, wasn't she?" Jasmine asked, half statement, half question.

Spencer nodded.

"Do you still love her?"

"I-I don't know." Spencer said truthfully.

Jasmine nodded. "Okay would you like to go back to my apartment?" She asked trying a new tactic.

"Jasmine, you're a nice girl, but… I don't want to do that to you." Spencer mumbled the last part.

"Because you'll be thinking of Emily?"

Spencer thought for a moment them nodded.

"Then I'd say tell her that you still love her." Jasmine personally didn't like Emily very much, but she liked Spencer and by the looks of it he loved her and she wanted Spencer to be happy.

"How do you know that?"

"I can see it in your eyes. When you two were out here, you both seemed to fit."

"What if she doesn't feel the same way?"

"I don't think there's any worry about that. It's in her eyes too."

Spencer smiled. "You think so?"

"Yes, she's just scared that's all." Jasmine thought that for a profiler he missed some fairly obvious things.

"Thank you." Spencer thanked. He took a step towards Jasmine giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. "See you around."

"Bye." Jasmine waved as Spencer walked back to the restaurant.

XXX 

After the bitter discovery, that there was no wine in her apartment. Emily settled for the next best thing. Ice Cream. Not bothering to get a bowl. Emily ate it out of the carton. In her opinion that was when Ice Cream tasted the most satisfying. After flicking through the movie channels she settled on '_The Bodyguard.'_ She had only missed the first fifteen minutes of it. As she was belting out an appalling rendition of _'I have nothing.'_ She heard a knock on the door; apparently neighbours were happy with loud arguments but not singing. Placing her Ice Cream on the coffee table, Emily trudged over to the door. Not looking through her peephole she opened the door to see Spencer standing there; his hands deep in his pockets.

"Shouldn't you be with Jasmine?" Emily asked icily.

"Do you want me to be?" Spencer replied.

Emily looked at him, shrugged then moved away from the door leaving it open for Spencer. She turned once she heard the door close.

"Haven't you seen that movie enough?" Spencer smirked. Emily looked at the screen trying to hide her smile.  
>"It's my favourite." Emily shrugged.<p>

"I know you made me watch it sixty four times."

Emily snorted, "That's a gross exaggeration."

Spencer tapped the side of his head. "Eidetic memory."

"Selective." She smiled. "So what brings you here?"

Spencer's expression suddenly turned serious "You."

Emily waited for him to elaborate. She crossed her arms, still waiting for him to continue. After long moments of awkward silence, Emily spoke. "Me?"

Spencer stepped closer to her; he put his hands over her arms and brought them back to her sides. Emily watched his movements carefully. He kept one of her hands covered in his. Using his other hand he cupped her jaw and tilted it so she was looking into his eyes. "You." He repeated.  
>Emily's eyes wavered under the intensity of his stare. "What about me?" She asked looking back into Spencer's soft caramel eyes.<br>"Are you scared?" He asked.

If she was being honest; aside from being partially turned on. She was a tiny bit scared. Spencer was speaking cryptically, he seemed to be taken over by some confident persona, yet when she looked into his eyes she would see flashes of the timid Spencer Reid she first met, the innocence he wore that she secretly envied but that unspoken compassion that she loved… she did. She loved him. Why had it taken so long for her to admit that to herself? Because admitting that meant that what they had was real and in real life people get hurt. Falling in the kind of love books and films were written about hurt. It took her years to accept that, to build her walls… did she really want to knock down her cleverly built barricade to let Spencer in?

"Yes." Emily heard herself say.

"Of what?" Spencer asked.

"This." Emily whispered; gesturing between the two of them.

"Because of getting hurt?" Spencer asked

Emily nodded.

"I promise I would never intentionally hurt you Emily. I'm not going to walk away if I hear or see something I don't like." Spencer assured her.

"I… people… just because you promise doesn't mean one of us won't get hurt. I'm horrible at relationships. I like my own space, my independence. I don't let people in easily. Just because I don't want to hurt you doesn't mean that I won't; doesn't mean I already have." Emily argued.

"Emily, I'm not going to run away because I may get hurt."

"You say that now, but every time we fight. You tell me you're done. What makes you think that has changed?" Emily asked.

"Because I've admitted something to myself"

"What?"

"That no matter how many times I walk out or you send me away, I'm always going to come straight back to you. Do you know why?"

"You're a glutton for punishment?" Emily smirked.

Spencer chuckled darkly. "No, I love you Emily Prentiss. I recently discovered nothing is going to change that." Spencer felt such a weight off his shoulders after saying that. The first time he'd said it to anyone other than his mother.

Emily's eyes went glassy. "I love you too." She'd only just admitted it to herself, yet it come out of her mouth with such ease as if she'd been saying those three words all of her life.

Spencer smiled. He pulled Emily closer to him; he rested his forehead on hers. Their lips inches apart. "You still scared?" Spencer whispered.  
>"Terrified" Emily replied.<p>

Spencer gently kissed Emily's lips. It was almost a chaste kiss; almost as soon as Emily had registered the contact was gone.

"I won't hurt you Emily. Trust me." Spencer promised.

Emily looked into his eyes, she knew her response the minute she looked into his honest eyes.

"I do."

Visible relief washed over Spencer. His lips met Emily in a soft kiss. Sighing as Spencer softly traced her bottom lip. She eagerly opened her mouth to allow his access into her mouth; hands roaming the others body. A soft kiss quickly transformed into a passionate kiss. Familiarising themselves with the others mouth. There was no space between them; their bodies perfectly entwined as one.

Emily whimpered as she lost the warmth of Spencer's mouth. "I love you" Spencer said breathlessly.

"I love you too." Emily mirrored his breathless tone.

Spencer kissed her once again. Picking her up as he did so; Emily wrapped her legs around his waist. Slowly he walked to her bedroom; closing themselves off from the whole world.

XXX

It wasn't until nearly a year and a half later that they had a similar conversation; after the excitement of their wedding day had worn off, both standing in their hotel room. The honeymoon suite: which nearly every corner held some kind of aphrodisiac. Both were standing hand in hand by the door. Emily turned her head to look at Spencer. He was staring at her with a loving expression on his face. Emily bit her lip; it was strange how timid she had becoming after walking into the room.

"What?" She asked.

Spencer smiled affectionately. He walked into the middle of the room with Emily in tow. "You looked so beautiful today." He said lovingly.

"Ditto" Emily smiled.

"Dance with me?" Spencer asked.

Emily giggled "There's no music." She pointed out.

Spencer turned his back to her and turned on the CD player in the room. He plugged in what looked like and I-pod and pressed play. The opening chords of _'Iris' _filled the room. Emily smiled and shook her head, Spencer pulled Emily close. She draped her arms over his shoulders. They slowly rocked back and forth to the music; completely lost in the others eyes.

"I love you Emily Reid." Spencer smiled.

Emily chuckled at hearing her new name. "I love you too, Spencer Reid." She rested her head on Spencer's chest.

"Hey Em?" Spencer said.

Emily looked up at him "Hmm."

"Are you scared?"

Emily smiled as she remembered the conversation they'd had a year and a half ago. It hadn't been an easy road to where they were. There were times when she tried to keep him out, but true to his word he never walked away. He stuck by her side letting her know that he loved her. She didn't expect everything to be easier now that she had married him, she knew that they both had to want it to work for it to work and they would need to talk to each other. There would be times that she'd want to kill him and him her. But she was sure of one thing they loved each other enough to make it work. Lightly she kissed his lips. "No."

**I hope you liked it if you did please leave a review or a PM. Thanks for reading as well. Rhianx **


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